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Day 2 sober

Couldn’t think of a witty or more interesting title for my first blog post, but it says it all. Today is my second day sober and I have chosen to share my journey publicly (albeit anonymously).

As a wife and mother in her early 40’s who, on the outside “has it all”, I’m desperately seeking sobriety. It’s gone too far, from occasionally having my first drink in the morning (on my days off work) to getting home from work and gulping down a few glasses of wine to get that buzz quickly. Stashing drinks in the laundry cupboard (good spot because it’s rarely used by anyone other than me) and pouring booze into a mug so the kids think I’m drinking tea. Secretly throwing out bottles/cans so my family don’t know how much I’ve really drank, having to skip the kids’ after-school activities because I had one too many during the day to drive them, taking sick days off work because I was terribly hungover or even worse still too drunk to drive. The list of shame goes on.

There have been brief periods over the past 2 years where I have been sober but now I have reached a point where I HAVE to drink every day. I simply cannot have a wine or 2 a few nights a week, my addiction is telling me I MUST have alcohol everyday no matter what. But it’s just not fun anymore and it is damaging my life.

My husband drinks pretty much every night but doesn’t have that “I gotta drink” mentality that I do. For some reason it doesn’t bother me that he would drink and I wouldn’t, but to be where others are drinking, even at a small family gathering, I would fine painful. I’m that person that gets smashed anywhere alcohol is permitted (and have even been at ones that alcohol isn’t) and more than likely had a few before even leaving the house no matter what time of the day.

So what led me to seeking a sober life? Yesterday, otherwise known as Day 1 Sober, I took a good long hard look at myself in the mirror. My face was terribly bloated, my work pants didn’t fit me anymore, I looked so unhealthy and dull. So on the outside here I am being all cheery, laughing along with colleagues and people that come into my workplace. Forcing smiles but then feeling flat throughout the day. I texted husband asking if we had any wine at home and yes we did. Got home from work and told myself to have a shower first rather than my usual sit down, have a few glasses of wine and chat to kids while “checking” my social media. Also included in my usual routine on my work days is to still be sitting around in my uniform til late at night still drinking and “checking” my social media. So a routine change was to be at hand if I was to be free of this alcohol addiction.

Had shower and got dressed into pyjamas. As I sat down to dinner I grabbed my water bottle rather than a wine glass, and realised how tired and drained I was. I literally felt like I needed to just lay in the warmth of my bed and hide away for the night, so I did.

Sleep was long and satisfying but with some strange dreams. Woke up this morning feeling flat and too cosy to get out of bed. Kids are great, they feed themselves and watch TV but I do think this is because of those many mornings experiencing a hungover and almost non existent mother hiding out in her bedroom. One thing that I am working on through my sobriety is to be more present mother and wife.

So here I am Day 2 of being Sober. Or I like the term “undrunk”. My short term goals? To take one day at a time, to lose a few kilos, to regain my fitness. And long term goals are to reach my full potential in life as a person, a wife, a mother and as a friend. To me alcohol made itself it’s number 1 meaning/friend/reward/priority so I gave little time and effort to the other relationships surrounding me. Like I’ve mentioned, without blowing my own horn, I’ve been blessed with a loving husband and great children and all-round awesome life, something quite amazing due to my dismal childhood.

Bit of my background to be shared in my next post….

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Day 3 sober

I’ve realized that when its  time to prepare and cook dinner the urge for wine is strong. That was me most nights, beloved glass of wine never far from me as I made my way around the kitchen. The past 2 nights I have replaced this with a cup of tea and although it doesn’t create the same buzz it helps me get through it. Once I’ve finished dinner I’m fine and know that it won’t be long til I can retreat to our bedroom (my new routine replacing my sit-on-the-couch til 11pm and drink myself silly) and sip some more tea.

In the previous post I know I mentioned that I’d like to expand on my “dismal” childhood, but was it really dismal? I don’t want to come across as a sob story because it’s not pity I want, just an understanding of  me and my background. My mother, who I’m estranged from, was a difficult person who had a lot of personal issues that I felt hindered her from being the maternal, unconditional loving and kind person I wanted as a mother. Looking back now and as a mother myself I know she was just another person who was trying to make her way in life with all she had at that moment. We had a tumultuous relationship, always screaming and yelling at each other which started more or less when I started high school (turning 13) and there was so much anger and frustration between us. But the one thing positive I can say is that because we were so verbal to other at least we got things off our chest and were a couple of straight shooters.

I partied through my teen years, although nothing too major and only really a beer or 2 now and then and maybe smoke some dope. I did take up smoking cigarettes so that was my first addiction. I loved the feeling of relief to light that cigarette, that instant gratification of the nicotine entering my system and that slight head spin. Damn I loved to smoke! I tried half halfheartedly to quit a few times but when it was really time to give it up I did and haven’t been tempted since and that was almost a decade ago.

So now to tackle my alcoholism. I’m already feeling some head fog lift and feeling the gift of not being hungover or drunk. It’s still early days but I can already see how sad, dark and time-wasting it was to chase your next drink, make sure there is always something to drink, organizing your day/night/ around having a drink. Its been hard to work on having loving relationships with my family when my brain was preoccupied with having my next drink.

So feeling good so far and looking forward to waking up bright and early tomorrow morning. Thank you all so far for your comments, likes and follows. I’m also enjoying reading all your entries and learning about what makes different people tick. Signing off now to check out some blogs. I’m not sure if I’ll be writing daily from now but I’m sure I’ll get the urge to ramble off something most days.