I’ve realized that when its time to prepare and cook dinner the urge for wine is strong. That was me most nights, beloved glass of wine never far from me as I made my way around the kitchen. The past 2 nights I have replaced this with a cup of tea and although it doesn’t create the same buzz it helps me get through it. Once I’ve finished dinner I’m fine and know that it won’t be long til I can retreat to our bedroom (my new routine replacing my sit-on-the-couch til 11pm and drink myself silly) and sip some more tea.
In the previous post I know I mentioned that I’d like to expand on my “dismal” childhood, but was it really dismal? I don’t want to come across as a sob story because it’s not pity I want, just an understanding of me and my background. My mother, who I’m estranged from, was a difficult person who had a lot of personal issues that I felt hindered her from being the maternal, unconditional loving and kind person I wanted as a mother. Looking back now and as a mother myself I know she was just another person who was trying to make her way in life with all she had at that moment. We had a tumultuous relationship, always screaming and yelling at each other which started more or less when I started high school (turning 13) and there was so much anger and frustration between us. But the one thing positive I can say is that because we were so verbal to other at least we got things off our chest and were a couple of straight shooters.
I partied through my teen years, although nothing too major and only really a beer or 2 now and then and maybe smoke some dope. I did take up smoking cigarettes so that was my first addiction. I loved the feeling of relief to light that cigarette, that instant gratification of the nicotine entering my system and that slight head spin. Damn I loved to smoke! I tried half halfheartedly to quit a few times but when it was really time to give it up I did and haven’t been tempted since and that was almost a decade ago.
So now to tackle my alcoholism. I’m already feeling some head fog lift and feeling the gift of not being hungover or drunk. It’s still early days but I can already see how sad, dark and time-wasting it was to chase your next drink, make sure there is always something to drink, organizing your day/night/ around having a drink. Its been hard to work on having loving relationships with my family when my brain was preoccupied with having my next drink.
So feeling good so far and looking forward to waking up bright and early tomorrow morning. Thank you all so far for your comments, likes and follows. I’m also enjoying reading all your entries and learning about what makes different people tick. Signing off now to check out some blogs. I’m not sure if I’ll be writing daily from now but I’m sure I’ll get the urge to ramble off something most days.